Pet Peeves De Jour

I actually don't even like the phrase "pet peeve", but here are a few of my current ones:

1. People pretending to be smart and say the "h" before the "w" in words like "what" and "why"
2. Girls who wear their bras so tight that their back fat kinda hangs over it, and on top of that wear shirts so tight that it is really noticeable.
3. Couples holding hands across the table (even worse when combined with staring longingly into each other eyes... I swear people really do this).
4. Women who are old enough to be my mother but shop in the Junior's department.
5. Those glasses that automatically tint and turn into sunglasses outside.
6. People who charge into an elevator, train, etc. before letting the people out.
7. People who hold the door open for you when you are far away so you have to run to the door to go through so they don't stand there for ten minutes, but you just wanted to stroll on through...
8. And then having to be all like "oh, THANKS so much!" when what you really want to say is "ass, you made me run"...actually, you made me do the shuffle feet jog.
9. People who act like they aren't impressed with my really cool magic trick because obviously it is impossible not to be impressed.

Vagina Jokes

Last weekend I went to Atlantic City with my family to celebrate two of my brothers' birthdays. The weekend was awesome, great food, great shopping, and great stories. One of the funniest things that happened the whole time was at a comedy show. The first comedian to come on was this middle aged woman from Wisconsin. A few minutes into her set, she started making fun of young women who think they are on top of the world. I guess I must have been the first person to catch her eye, so she asked me my name. I told her Meg, and she said "Oh, of course it is something cute like Meg and not Bertha"... I didn't correct her and tell her my real name is Margaret. Anyway, she said "For those of you who can't see Meg, she's beautiful.. with her big perfect eyes and her perfect hair, I bet men buy her cocktails all the time." She started talking about how someday I won't be so beautiful anymore.. that I'll start to look like her. She then asked me if I shop at Victoria's Secret. My face turned bright red because I was sitting at the table with 3 of my brothers and my father. I nodded in the affirmative and she went on to some jokes about knowing their secret. At this point, I was thinking she was finished with me.. then she started talking about bikini waxes. She literally said "Girl's like Meg have perfect little V's, but me, I've got a W... I call it my George W. Bush." I thought lingerie talk was uncomfortable, but it was nowhere near as bad as vagina talk sitting at a table with 3 of my brothers, father, mother and sister-in-law. I tried to pretend like I didn't get the joke; it seemed like no one at my table found the joke particularly funny either. Nothing beats awkward vagina jokes with your family.

Snooze Button

Each morning when it comes time to fight the urge to hit the snooze button and lie in my very comfortable and warm bed for just a few more minutes, I find myself severely lacking in willpower. According to the internet (and obviously 100% of what you read on the internet is true), the inventor of the snooze button is Lew Wallace. I am convinced that Lew practiced exceptional self-control and did not himself use the snooze button, but instead was up making money while the rest of the world got another 9 minutes of sleep. Thanks for nothing, Lew.

Pre-Existing Condition

I hate the people who answer the phone for my insurance company. Apparently for my ghetto insurance there are only two women who are the "front line," Anna and Betty. Anna is stupid, and I mean really stupid. I don't think she answered a single question I asked - I don't think she even knows how to spell tonsils let alone explain to me why the fact that my tonsils have been infected before is a "pre-existing condition" under my policy. Betty seems a little smarter, but she is approximately 100 years old and had probably been tonsil free for 92 years... maybe she had some serious complications when she got her tonsils out back when the local phyiscian/medicine man used sharpened rocks and prayers to remove them. Between the two of them, I am scared to do anything a little risky less I get hurt and my fate lies in thier hands. I guess I should be thankful that my tonsils are my only health problem these days...